**HELP**

Ok, so this is not at all funny and I need help. I started blogging three weeks ago and I think it is going quite well until… Yesterday, I was unable to log into my dashboard, so I asked for a new password, they said it would be emailed, no email. I did this at least a dozen times. So now I am stuck contributing to my blog strictly from my iPhone, because it is not asking me for a password, but clearly this is anything but ideal. I also googled a couple of my posts and found them on another blog site, run by a human going by the name “Tiger Raper”. Possibly more disturbing yet is that some of my posts have disappeared entirely, along with their comments. Am I doing something wrong? Has my blog been “Raped” by someone who fornicates with felines? If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions I would love to hear them…

Thanks in advance

Kim

Open letter to SLOBS

I cannot help but notice that while half of the population is fighting to look like Cindy Crawford, you do not even care enough to get dressed in the morning. You know who you are, and if you have ever found yourself out and about, carrying on with your daily affairs in your pajama pants I am talking to you.   At what point did your life become so jam packed, that you can’t find five minutes to grab a quick shower, an pull on some jeans before heading out to get your shopping done?  I can’t imagine that you would have a shower and then deliberately put your pajama pants back on, so what are you doing that is robbing you of precious time needed to ready yourself for the day?

Wearing your pajama pants in public is not cute, and is certainly not sexy. There is nothing sexy about a human being who has given up and doesn’t care. You look like a PIG, period.  There are no exceptions, I don’t care if you are Cindy Crawford, if you are in public in your pajamas in my mind, and in the minds of most, you are a dirty, lazy pig.  I’m certain you are a great person with a killer personality, but honestly I am never going to take the time to find out because you look like a complete slob.  First impressions are everything, and what message is it that you want to send?  This is a new disturbing new trend  that you have found yourself caught up in, it has gone on long enough, and it is high time you take a little pride in your appearance.

The “Twilight” Disconnect

Possibly one of the most confusing trends ever encountered is what  I like to call “Vampire Mania”.  It began innocently enough, I would see the odd T-shirt on some young thing, that reads something like “I only  date Vampires”,”My Boyfriend is a Vampire”, “Too much blood not enough Vampires” or my personal favorite “Save Gas Ride a Vampire”.  I didn’t understand why, I really didn’t even wonder why, I just assumed it was one of those “teeny-bopper” fads that the rest of the world shouldn’t give a second thought.  

My girlfriend and I went out for lunch to the mall one Saturday afternoon, and I soon noticed that not only were we surrounded by these Vampire enthusiasts in idiotic T-shirts, but that the man right beside me trying to eat his Subway Turkey Melt,was actually trying to do it with a fake set of fangs in.  I wanted desperately to ask him what exactly it was that he was doing.  Was he confused?  Halloween had been over or more than two months, was he trying to be funny I wondered.  I didn’t see anyone laughing, I did however see an “older lady” (just for you Gram) with a roller set staring at him looking as confused as I was.  I should have asked him just what he thought he was up to, but I didn’t have the nerve, after all it was clear that I was dealing with some kind of a freak.

We watched him for at least 25 minutes gum this poor sub to death, drooling all over himself in the process, and physically having to remove the bacon from the sub, tilt his head back and carefully position the bacon way in the back of his mouth, past the fangs so he could chew it with his molars.  It was absolutely gross, and I was almost relieved to discover that we were going to be late or our pedicure’s so we picked up our trays, and headed for the garbage can.

I was proud of myself.  I’d handled that situation like a real adult and only made about thirteen snide comments on route to the nail salon.  Once comfortable in our message chairs, my favorite homosexual Asian man scrubbing the calluses off my feet, and my eyes no longer burning from the toxic fumes, we could finally discuss what we had just witnessed in some detail.  It was at this point that my girlfriend explained to me that all this vampire craziness was as a result of those twilight books.

“Twilight books,” I asked, “What the hell is a Twilight book?”

“Ya, you know those vampire books that they made into movies? The books are actually quite good.” she said

“Well if the books are so good where is your vampire T-shirt? ”  I asked in my most condescending tone.

The words had only crossed my lips for a millisecond when I noticed that a woman also enjoying her pedicure, on the other side of the salon, but well within earshot  reading this enormous book titled “The Encyclopedia of Vampires”.  She shot me a look which I’m sure would make a Vampire quiver (if they were real of course).  I wasn’t going to take that, this woman was clearly older than my mother, and surely must have enough sense to know that vampires do not exist.  

“Why are you reading that?” I asked her in the same condescending tone I had perfected only moments earlier.

“What difference could it possibly make to you?” she snapped.

I took a deep breath in order to stifle the laughter about to erupt from within me and said, “Nothing really, just curious as to why an intelligent woman, such as yourself ( a little ass kissing in these situations always helps), would waste her time reading an encyclopedia about make-believe.”

“Well that just shows how ignorant you are,” she said as she started to smile, “vampires are real you just don’t know it because they walk around like us, they look like us, they just stay up at night so they can feed. You could be a vampire for all I know.”

Could this really be happening? Did this woman actually think she had somehow stumbled onto a secret vampire society? Did she actually think that if indeed I was a vampire that she would be my first choice for a meal?  Why have people gotten so wrapped up in this vampire thing?  Do they realize how stupid they look?  If I sit down and write a long-winded book of bullshit, call it the “Encyclopedia of Unicorns and Pixie Dust”, could I count on soaking his lady for forty bucks?

What’s wrong with people?

“Muffin Top” Mathematics

With spring on its way, and my northern Alberta community seeing balmy temperatures of 7C, I cannot help but notice that the amount of “muffin tops” I encounter in a day has grown exponentially. For those of you unclear on the meaning of the term , “muffin tops” have replaced what we used to call ” love handles.” They are everywhere, on people of all ages, and no longer gender specific. I cannot help but feel torn when encountering a “muffin top” of considerable size. I never know if I should applaud the owner of the “top” for having the courage to let it all hang out, or offer them a sweater.

I go to incredible lengths to conceal my “wobbly bits” and “muffin top”, multiply that with a vast array of other imperfections I would rather not put on display, and I pray it all equals a person who does not resemble a football player in Barbie’s clothing. I have sucked myself into more girdles, spanxes, and form correcting tank tops than I care to recollect, all in an effort to save myself some unnecessary humiliation and some awkward stares. Am I the only person who thinks like me, or have people just stopped giving a dam?

I had an epiphany while on vacation in Mexico. My “then” boyfriend always encouraged me to wear slinkier items, and even offered to purchase me a $635 bikini prior to going if I would commit to wearing it. Horrified by the idea, I politely declined his generous offer, and opted instead or my one piece, racing back speedo which I still didn’t feel comfortable in. When he finally managed to guilt me into a swim, I couldn’t believe the sights I encountered at the pool. Every woman there was in a bikini, and take my word for it, it was anything but pretty. I realized that day that my imperfect body likely would have looked as good or better than anything I could see. To tell you the truth, I looked ridiculous. I could tell by the looks on the other swimmers faces what they were thinking of me, and it went something like,” Oh look the fundamentalist mormon lady decided to come for a swim.” Suddenly it occurred to me, am I the only one who cares about what I look like or do I care too much?

I know our society put way too much emphasis on our outward appearance, and I also know all too well that most clothing manufacturers size their clothing using petite Asian women, but c’mon people. Just because you can physically, and with a great deal of effort, pour yourself into an item, doesn’t mean you should parade around town in it. It looks gross. Take the ever popular “low-rise” jeans for example, they are made for only a mere 5% of the population, worn by most, and give even the 98lbs girls “muffin tops”, and often times a generous helping of “crack”. Maybe the “98pounders” want to feel like the rest of us continually adjusting our ill fitted attire. Who comes up with these fashions? Did everyone have a meeting, decide this look was attractive, all while I was out of town?

I don’t know if I have some serious self confidence issues, or just better fashion sense than the vast majority, but if I may offer some advice. To all you out there that are not “98pounders”, I hide my “muffin top”, don’t you think you should hide yours?